Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10 – Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 – Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 – Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!
Number 7 – Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Number 6 – Some people are like a slinky…..not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Number 5 – Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4 – All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 – Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2 – In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2009: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven’t got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

Have a great weekend!

My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole all my money. It was my grandfather.

– Jackie Mason

My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song and they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon…and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

From Henny Youngman, King of the One-Liners

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?”
The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”

The other day I broke 70. That’s a lot of clubs.

I have a lovely room and bath in a hotel. It’s a little inconvenient, they’re in two separate buildings!

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Only from Rodney Dangerfield:

A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?”
He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD (true story)

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said “no”. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!” George said,

“I thought you said there was nobody available!”

The arthritis cure Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor’s office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, “It’s a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you’re walking erect. What did that doctor do?” She answered, “Miracle, shmiracle . . . he gave me a longer cane.”

The deadliest food

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten, or will eat. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row raised his hand and said, “Vedding Cake?”

The business trip

Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.
“Who was it!!!???” he yells, “that alta kakker Goldstein?”
“No,” replied his wife. “It wasn’t Goldstein.”
“Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?”
“No, not him.”
“Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!”
“No, it wasn’t Rabinovich either…”
Morris was now fuming. “What’s the matter?” he cried. “None of my friends are good enough for you?”

How to deal with women – as if I know anything.  However I was looking at some words of wisdom and found a few quotes that I wish I had learned when I was younger.

For example:

“Don’t tell a woman she’s pretty; tell her there’s no other woman like her, and all roads will open to you.” Jules Renard.

That’s an incredibly wise saying.  People are always comparing themselves with others – especially when it comes to dating and finding a life partner.  Reminding someone of how exception they are, why you chose the above all the rest is a truly powerful statement.  Gee, I wish I knew this when I was dating.  Hey, you can use it if you’re married too.  OK, there’s still hope for me.

This is less useful, for me anyway:

“Stay away from girls who cry a lot or who look like they get pregnant easily or have careers.”  P.J. O’ Rourke.

So that’s a good bit of advice for guys on the dating scene. Too late for us married guys of course.  My only question is, how can you tell if a girl can get pregnant easily?

“Never date a woman whose father calls her ‘Princess.’  Chances are she believes it.”  Wes Smith.

These days how many girls bring their dates how for their fathers to check out?  Way too few I’ll bet.

And finally, this sobering thought from Maxim Kavolik who I know absolutely nothing about but sounds like a very wise man.  He said:

“Familiarity breeds contempt, but you can’t breed without familiarity.”

Bill Maher ends his show with a rant about Big Pharma, astutely observing, “If you believe you need all the pills and drugs the pharmaceutical industry says you do — then you’re already on drugs.” Watch this “YouTube” video clip.http://www.youtube.com/v/rHXXTCc-IVg&rel=1

How Congress “Works” http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/26b0d09397

A TEST FOR OLD KIDS
The answers are printed below, but don’t cheat.
1. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don’t know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.
2. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we watched them on The ______ Show.
3. “Get your kicks, ___________________.”
4. “The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed________________.”
5. “In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.”
6. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we “danced” under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the “_____________.”
7. “N_E_S_T_L_E_S”, Nestle’s makes the very best _______________.”
8. Satchmo was America ’s “Ambassador of Goodwill.” Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.
9. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.
10. Red Skelton’s hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, “Good Night, and “________ ________”.
11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.
12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW . What other names did it go by? ____________ & _______________.
13. In 1971 Don MacLean sang about, “the day the music died.”This was a tribute to __________
14. The first satellite, placed into orbit by the Russians, was called ___________________.
15. A big fad of the 50’s and 60’s was a plastic ring we twirled around our waist called the ______

ANSWERS:
1. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
2. The Ed Sullivan Show
3. On Route 66
4. To protect the innocent.
5. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
6. The limbo
7. Chocolate
8. Louis Armstrong
9. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader,and “Good Night,and may God Bless.”
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop

An important message about Healthcare!

Information you may need to help you choose your next health plan.

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories — those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn’t do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $20 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will healthcare be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Have a great weekend!

There’s no business like show business but there are several businesses like accounting. – David Letterman

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. – Henry David Thoreau

You can fool all the people all the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough. – Joseph E. Levine

A financier is a pawnbroker with imagination. – Arthus Wing Pinero.

If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion. – George Bernard Shaw

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. – Samuel Goldwyn

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other “Does this taste funny to you?”

A blind man walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. A shop assistant calls out: “Can I help, sir?”

“No thanks,” “I’m just looking.”

An old man goes to a wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. “Give me one last request,” he said. “Of course, John,” his wife said softly.
“Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Bob.”
“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.
With his last breath John said, “I do!”

Note – OK, I have to admit my wife really didn’t like the last two jokes:)

Disorder in the Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?